seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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