Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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