4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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