if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
