If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
