my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
