Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
