she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
