Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
