So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
