1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
