I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
