Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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