Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
