You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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