So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
