god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
barbara walters just said penis...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
