im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
