sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
