Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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