We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
3pm strippers are depressing
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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