Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
