Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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