I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
