I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
