he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
