I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
