Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
