when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
