Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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