This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
