He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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