apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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