I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
