I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
