dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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