today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
