True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
