that's an acceptable place to lick
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
