when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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