weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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