just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
