I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
