i permit you to call me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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