My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
