What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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