Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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