Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
