if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
