i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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