My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
