I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
