if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
