Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I could make wine with my vomit
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
